Category Archives: Parenting

“Shotgunning a Beer” and other 2014 parenting trends

Posted on January 20, 2014 | Leave a comment

I am long past reading parenting books or searching out the latest and greatest parenting advice. But once a year I delight in digging up what forecasters predict will be the parenting trends of the year. In 2013 I wrote about neon strollers and apocalypse parenting, two trends I am happy to say did not arrive in Calgary. This year I bring you baby-teeth jewelry, the end of the playdate, and shotgunning-a-beer parenting, among other gems. Let’s explore five.

1. Baby Teeth Jewelry 

These "gems" are not pearls. They are baby teeth. Great idea, or gross?

These “gems” are not pearls. They are baby teeth. Great idea, or gross?

Four years ago the big thing was having your kid’s fingerprint turned into a necklace pendant (guilty!). In 2014 you’re supposed to have her baby teeth turned into stud earrings, “gems” in a ring, a bracelet or a pendant. I admit I’m guilty of stockpiling both my children’s baby teeth (yep, the Tooth Fairy drops them into a little baggie inside one of the drawers of my bedside table instead of flying them to Tooth Land), but turning them into jewelry seems kinda weird. And, well, ick. Much like my extracted wisdom teeth, their baby chompers will remain hidden from sight, possibly forever.

2. Virtue Names… for Boys

Evidently we’re craving the Honor, Chastity and Hope name equivalents for boys, because the moniker-watchers at Nameberry.com are predicting a rise in boy names that reflect a good and True character (yes, True is a boy name). You can pick from Noble, Valour, Justice and — wait for it — Loyal. But why stop there? Name him Dedicated, Strong, Sensitive or heck, why not Endurance? That has a nice ring to it.

3. Shotgunning-A-Beer Parenting

When faced with a potential confrontation with your child, simply shotgun a beer.

When faced with a potential confrontation with your child, simply shotgun a beer.

Here’s a trend that’s a backlash against helicopter parenting, the parenting style where well-meaning moms and dads do for their kids what the kids should be doing themselves. It’s for parents who are tired of being on call and are desparate to establish more boundaries between themselves and their bubble-wrapped progeny.

If this is you, here’s what to do: the next time your kid wants you to pack his school lunch, iron his karate outfit, spellcheck his book report (or, um, read the book in the first place) or drive him to the school that’s three blocks away, just shotgun a beer. This is the best way to show your child he is not in fact the centre of the universe, and to let him know that it’s important to look after your own needs. As child psychiatrist  Jasper Lambsharkssen told The New Yorker: “Shotgunning-a-beer parenting is going to explode as parents discover that it’s the simplest way to take care of a complicated problem.” Bring it!

4. Death of the “Playdate”

When I was a kid you walked next door to your friend’s house, rang the doorbell and asked if she could play. It was spontaneous. It was not planned a month ahead of time and pencilled into a child-activity-tracker calendar. I don’t know when everything became so official, but please make it stop. Though I am guilty of scheduling playdates for my daughter, I’m the first to admit that I don’t like it. I wish she, or her friends, would just call or walk over when they wanted company. You know, organic play. I also really hate the name playdate. It’s not a date! So I really do hope the playdate goes the way of the dinosaur, as predicted.

5. Half Birthdays

A special cake for the kid who's so special he gets a freakin' half birthday party.

A special cake for the kid who’s so special he gets a freakin’ half birthday party.

Somewhere out there, a child is turning 2-1/2, or 5-1/2, or some other age + six months, and the parents want to celebrate this important milestone. WTF? Since when do you celebrate a half birthday? More importantly, why, oh why, would you want to? I personally cringe as my kids’ REAL birthdays approach (the planning, the venue, the cake, the invite, kill me now), so why would I want to go through that hell twice in one year? Plus, no kid deserves a half birthday. If you’re seriously contemplating throwing a half birthday party, please just go shotgun a beer.

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Consider this our family Christmas card 2

Posted on December 18, 2013 | 3 comments

Last year I wrote a holiday blog greeting and it was so well received I’m doing the same thing again this year.

The Kadane-Ford family Christmas card: 2013… We survived a flood and a PUPPY!

One of only two family photos taken this year, in Sedona, Ariz.

One of only two family photos taken this year, in Sedona, Ariz.

It’s been a big year for the Kadane-Ford household. After almost losing our house in the June flood, we have permanent water restored, a basement that is almost completely renovated and a new if somewhat alarming view of the Bow River. Still no front street though. Santa, can you help with this?

A "hardened" river bank but still no street access.

A “hardened” river bank but still no street access.

We travelled a lot in 2013, including a family trip to Arizona, many ski weekends, a visit to Arkansas at Easter, a summer road trip through B.C. and most recently a visit to the Pukiest Place on Earth (a.k.a. Disneyland). We have shown growth as a family and are better horseback riders, skiers, baby alligator holders, bologna slider eaters and salmon fisherfolk than a year ago. We can also ride the Matterhorn Bobsleds as a family of four and there’s only one word for that: lunacy progress. Here’s the highlight reel for each family member:

Blake really upped his volunteer game in 2013. Not only did he volunteer as a chip runner at two casinos that raised money for our kids’ schools and donate his slot machine winnings from those nights to our travel fund, he raised money for MS research by mountain biking 75 kilometres in Canmore in August. He also raised money for and awareness about men’s health by growing a moustache during the annual Movember campaign. While this wasn’t a great move for his personal sexual health, it provided a boost to his mental health and self-confidence while in Disneyland, where he was photographed with many Disney princesses.

Frozen Elsa and Anna are hot for my hubby, natch.

Blake Ford, ageless. Repelled by, or attracted to, the mo? You decide.

Another highlight for Blake was the acquisition of a “man chair” for the living room. Since I forbade an ugly La-Z-Boy, we now have a stylish-yet-understated Arts & Crafts swivel recliner that Blake sits on, coffee (or scotch, or scotch-laced coffee) in one hand, potato gun in the other, to lob spuds at approaching children. Of course, Bennett delights in sitting in it and rocking maniacally in a chair-breaking manner as soon as Daddy leaves the house.

Avery continues to amaze us with her sense of humour — like how just yesterday she asked us for a pet eel! Haha, funny girl —  kindness and intelligence. She’s burning through books that I read in Grade 10 5, including The Incredible Journey and Where the Red Fern Grows. She enjoys playing with her Playmobil and Lego Friends, which have taken up such a permanent residence on her carpet that her messy room provided the impetus for one of my Today’s Parent stories.

Avery Ford, age 8, Grade 3.

Avery Ford, age 8, Grade 3.

She is also maturing at an alarming rate: she asked Santa for an iPod touch for Christmas. And her questions about biology and specifically, reproduction, had grown in complexity to the point where, earlier this fall, I had to talk to her about the “birds and the bees.” She initially asked a boy in her class but he refused to tell her stating, “It’s really gross.” So, after I sat her down and explained about the ‘sperm delivery method’ she said, “He’s right. That is gross.” Yes it is, Avery. NEVER DO IT.

Bennett found out last spring he was accepted into Renfrew’s Grade 1 program and he is having a good year so far. He has certainly had some challenges to overcome in 2013, including a weird stint of stuttering, the zoo being closed all summer and a gastrointestinal bug during our trip to Disneyland. His latest obsession is Super Why, and Blake and I have had to suffer through the Jack and the Beanstalk episode 5-million 84 times since the babysitter introduced him to Netflix in early November (thanks a lot, babysitter… though to be fair it was payback for Bennett yelling at her to “Go away!” like, 10 times, before I slunk out the door. Yeah, we don’t use her anymore).

Bennett boards his bus all smiles on the first day of school.

Bennett Ford, age 6, Grade 1.

We continue to love Bennett’s teasing ways, which he comes by honestly (ahem, Danny, Greg, Blake), like how he pulls off Avery’s Santa hat in a stealth manoevre then sprints away laughing hysterically. We are sure he’ll keep us on our toes in 2014 and continue to charm his grandparents, who will be looking after him while Blake and I compete on The Amazing Race Canada to win $2,500, a snowmobile and two one-way tickets to Costa Rica courtesy of Air Canada.

Our family is now officially complete since Piper, our Brittany spaniel puppy, flew WestJet cargo from Saskatoon to Calgary to join our crazy household in April. Everyone told me puppies were freakin’ nuts but did I listen? No. Which is why we are now down a pair of shoes, a couple of stuffed animals and a plastic toy (Piper recently chewed the foot off of Avery’s new Playmobil horseback riding girl). Piper has also started eating her own poop (I caught her with a snow-covered morsel just last week), which is not only disgusting but kind of insulting. What, aren’t the heaping dog food bowls and endless liver bribery treats enough for you, you piggy little thing?

Tom Campbell Hill, Calgary

Piper at the dog park with Avery.

On top of that Piper is hyper and the only way I can cope with her energy demands is to take her for 2 10 walks a day. Which is why I never get any work done. My only consolation is she hasn’t chewed up our furniture or drywall, or mauled Bennett, who constantly bugs her. She’s also really sweet and cute and I have to say my heart swells with pride at the dog park when she bounds confidently through the snow while other owners have to carry their finicky little kick-dogs, who are wearing sweaters and booties.

Lisa (that’s me) has had a fun and challenging year. I volunteered on the committee to build a new playground at Avery’s school and our awesome mommy team wrapped up that hellacious project after two years. I wrote a lot this year, including a personal essay for Swerve about Bennett’s genetic condition. But it wasn’t all work. I managed to squeeze in a press trip to Paris, where I drank my face off learned about champagne and Cointreau while eating lobster, caviar and truffles.

Champagne

Champagne in Champagne!

I continue to binge on netflix read classics like Anna Karenina, blog sporadically (sorry), and mix Blake 5 o’clocktails in my spare time. And I’m always dreaming of, and planning, our next vacation. Coming up in 2014: San Diego.

In the meantime, we’re looking forward to a wonderful Christmas and New Year’s  celebration with family and friends and we sure hope Santa delivers a new road next spring. Happy holidays!

Bennett and Avery after trimming the tree.

Bennett and Avery after trimming the tree.

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What would you wish for?

Posted on November 12, 2013 | 2 comments

Over the summer a women contacted me by email. She wanted to let me know she’d read my Swerve story about Bennett’s genetic condition. Her daughter also has a genetic condition, as well as autism (like Bennett), and so my story had struck a chord. She also told me she’d nominated our family to receive a wish from The Rainbow Society of Alberta, the same agency that had granted her daughter a wish years ago. I was really touched.

Sure enough, a month or so later a woman from The Rainbow Society phoned me to get some more information about Bennett, who has a genetic condition called 18q-. His condition expresses itself as developmental and cognitive delays that look a lot like autism. Autism on its own doesn’t qualify a child for a wish, but because of Bennett’s underlying condition it looked like we’d be eligible.

Bennett and me in San Antonio in 2012, where we attended the Chromosome 18 Registry & Research Society annual conference.

Bennett and me in San Antonio in 2012, where we attended the Chromosome 18 Registry & Research Society annual conference.

When I told Blake the news he couldn’t believe it. Like me, he’d always thought wishes — like those granted by charities such as The Rainbow Society or the Children’s Wish Foundation — were saved for kids with life-threatening illnesses, whose families wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford a trip to Disneyland, for example. We felt guilty wishing for Bennett — he has daily challenges, but he’s healthy. Surely there were more deserving families out there?

The Rainbow Society considers Bennett’s condition chronic. It is; he can’t be “cured.” Like other families referred for wishes — regardless of income or the child’s particular disability or disease — we live with our child’s struggles and challenges every day. A wish is small thing but something with the power to transport us from the unromantic and imperfect grind (as it often is) of raising a child with special needs.

Once it was settled that we would make three wishes on Bennett’s behalf (he is not cognitively capable of understanding the concept of a “wish”), we talked as a family, including our daughter Avery in the conversation, about what Bennett would want. There are certain rules around wish-making; for example, not all wishes can be travel-related, and those that are must be in Canada or the mainland United States (no African safaris or trips to Hawaii). The society also doesn’t grant wishes that involve medical equipment or medical travel.

After the flood Bennett was devastated about the Calgary Zoo being closed. He didn’t understand what had happened; he only knew that it was closed and we couldn’t go. The worst part of it was we’d been planning an outing to the zoo on Friday, June 21 — a.k.a. Flood Friday — with his SAS aide and behaviour therapist from Renfrew. We’d been preparing for that outing for weeks — the therapist had even created a social story about Bennett visiting the zoo. And just like that, the trip was cancelled. Almost every day for the month of July Bennett asked if the zoo was open. When I said no he would start to cry. He still asks every time we drive by the zoo (I don’t have the heart to take him there until it is completely reopened on Nov. 28). So, if we can’t take him to the local zoo…

Bennett’s wish No. 1: A trip to the San Diego Zoo.

The Rainbow Society will only grant one vacation wish, but it will let families wish for things that involve travel, such as a trip to a family reunion, or a trip to Ottawa to meet the prime minister. When Blake and I took Bennett to San Antonio in 2012 to attend the Chromosome 18 Registry & Research Society annual conference, we enjoyed meeting other families whose children have the same genetic condition as Bennett. We thought that maybe now, since he’s older, he would like to meet other kids like him — and Avery would have a chance to meet their siblings and perhaps talk with children in her shoes (e.g. kids with a brother or sister with special needs). So, since there are only three other people in Alberta with Bennett’s condition…

Bennett’s wish No. 2: Attend the 2014 Chromosome 18 conference in Connecticut.

Now it becomes more difficult. You want the third wish to make sense for Bennett, and to count. We thought of experiences (a hot air balloon ride? No, he’d freak out!). We thought of possessions (his own iPad? He spends too much time on the family iPad already!). What does Bennett love to do? He loves to swim. And since we can’t wish for a swimming pool…

Bennett’s wish No. 3: A hot tub.

Just last week our contact from The Rainbow Society called to let us know which wish had been granted. The best part was telling Bennett that night at dinner.

Me: “Bennett? Guess where we’re going to go? The San Diego Zoo!”

Bennett: “The San Diego Zoo! Yay!”

I’m not sure he knows all about this zoo in particular, but he heard, “We’re going to the zoo!” and all was well. Yes, a wish is a small thing, but its granting transformed that dinner into a magical trip planning session. We had Bennett guess all the animals he thinks we’ll see in San Diego (no surprise hippos, gorillas, tigers, elephants and butterflies are on the list), while Avery mapped out some other stops on our itinerary, such as Sea World. Now we just have to decide when to go. Thank you, Rainbow Society.

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