The only joy I get from flying United Airlines can be found in the seat pocket in front of me. No, it’s not the barf bag; it’s the tattered, well-loved copy of Sky Mall. For those not in the know, Sky Mall is a catalogue that contains some of the strangest inventions known to humankind. Have you been looking for arthritis pain relieving gloves? A self-cleaning kitty litter box? A zombie statue for the front yard? Me too!
For every bizarro need you never knew you had until flipping through its pages, Sky Mall delivers. Now, some of the items look innovative and useful and are even travel-related, such as the Rolling Carry On And Laptop Bag, made from real leather — stylish and practical. And what wouldn’t I pay for a pair of Military Zoom Binoculars that can spot “the color of an Eagle’s eye … from a mile away!”
But others? Let the images and my commentary speak to their inanity.
1. SkyRest Travel Pillow
Yes, Buddy is bringing his giant “between-airline-seats”-shaped pillow all the way to Australia so he has something comfortable to drool on during the 12-hour flight. This is, evidently, a “Top Seller.” Um, where does he stow it when the food arrives? (Oh wait, nevermind. He’s flying United.)
2. NFL Forest Face
I will start off by saying I’m not a big sports fan. I don’t really get the whole American NFL mania that seizes die-hards (and I grew up in Denver, home to rabid John Elway-Broncos lovers). Having said that, I understand the desire to wear your team’s jersey to a game, or even to paint your face during the playoffs. But now you want to subject nature to your weird fetish? Really? Just sayin’.
3. Remote-Control Beverage Cooler
“Just point your remote, and get your drink delivered, no cabana boy required.” Subtext: Because you’re too lazy to get off your fat ass and walk five feet to grab a cold one.
4. Easter Island Monolith Statue
The only place this would look good in a yard is on Easter Island. Really.
5. “Tex the Armadillo” Beverage Holder
I don’t get it. But if you’re from Texas, please explain this to me.